Compassion & Kindness: Radical Concepts?
July 3, 2013 in Inspiration
This week, I received this shining piece of hate mail in response to an article in one of my weekly columns.
The premise of the piece was a suggestion that, perhaps, in addition to parents taking responsibility, and preparing their kids properly for a flight and doing their best to consider the other passengers on a plane, perhaps, those of us on a flight with a freaking out little kid, could be kind and compassionate to the kid, and the parents.
Have a read:
No, I will not extend extra grace to children on planes just because I was a child once too. I was never a screaming baby on an airplane. So no. Just because I was a baby doesn’t mean I will extend anything to a child who is ruining a flight.
No, I will not give haggard parents the benefit of the doubt. Why should I when your child is making my flight miserable? You don’t know where I’m going, how important it is that I be ready and refreshed when I arrive. You give me the benefit of the doubt and either sedate the baby or don’t fly with it.
No, it would not be the “end of the world” to talk to the parent instead of giving a dirty look. If I say an “encouraging word” to the parent, they will be the one giving me the dirty look because nobody wants to be told that their special little snowflake is being disruptive, no matter how polite you put it.
I’m not bringing things for someone’s baby either. That’s ridiculous. I’m not spending my money on toys and markers that are not going to help the situation anyway. Why don’t the parents buy toys and markers?
I will treat children like people when they act like people.
This was only the first verse of her grand opus. There was a second post that I’ll spare you.
Needless to say, I laughed.
And then, I started thinking about it. Really thinking about it.
Her response is a lot of things that don’t bear raking over the coals one more time. I’m in no way out to bash her, and I’d appreciate it if you refrained from doing so in the comments as well. The question I’m left with is not, “Is she right?” The question I’m left with is:
When did compassion and kindness become radical concepts?
I’m as annoyed as the next person by ill-behaved children (and adults) and we’ve done our best to train our children to “act like people.” But isn’t the essence of “acting like a person” to show kindness and compassion to one another?
It’s not just the kids on planes thing. Although that’s fast becoming a hot button in the travel world.
- It’s our impatience with folks in the check-out line of the grocery store.
- Our tendency towards road rage instead of letting two people crowd in.
- Our insistence on “me time” and “personal space” over community or family involvement.
- It’s our annoyance at being interrupted again.
- Or at the Starbucks guy messing up our latte order.
- Or our flight being delayed half an hour.
- Or the waitress taking too long with our drink order.
- Or the boss who loses it a little over something small.
What ever happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt?
Whatever happened to assuming a mom was having a bad day when she’s harried in the store? Or assuming that kid screaming his head off in the drug store might be sick and waiting on a prescription instead of losing his cool? Or considering the possibility that the slow waitress is covering for a short staffed situation?
A friend of mine shared this video with me. It’s almost 10 minutes long, but I encourage you to watch it:
I’d like to make a suggestion, for me, for my kids, for you, for your kids, for all of us:
Let’s go completely counter cultural and commit to compassion and kindness as our knee jerk response to life and frustrations.
Not just compassion and kindness for the people who are clearly suffering and “need it” but over the top, completely unrealistic, unmerited compassion and kindness. Even for people who are hateful in their tone and approach. Even for people we “know” could be doing better, or more, or are responsible for their own mess.
What would happen if we went really crazy and offered that really annoying kid on the plane a smile and a pen and paper to draw with instead of a scowl and a withering look to his mother.
Trust me when I tell you, you have no idea what is really going on in someone else’s world.
Can I tell you a story?
About a year and a half ago I found myself in the unlikely situation of being a transporter. Have you seen the Jason Statham movies? Yeah, like that, only without gasoline explosions or hot Italian girls. I was transporting Ukranian boys across international borders and continents. It’s a long story, that starts here, if you want to read about it, but I’ll cut to the chase:
I found myself in the Zurich airport with a five hour layover and three, nearly feral, boys. My friend was with me, she had just adopted them and we were making our way home after a months long marathon between continents in which their Mama had left six of her children (one still nursing) in the USA while she lived off of tinned food in a bare apartment in backwater Ukraine, earning the right to rescue her other three sons. It was a heroic act. She was exhausted.
Imagine five hours in the airport with three boys who, just four days before, made their first trip away from their orphanage.
- Imagine trying to get one to ride an escalator when he couldn’t understand where the stairs were disappearing to.
- Imagine trying to get them through a revolving door without squashing one.
- Imagine trying to communicate to them where their luggage disappeared to, what the TSA search was about and why they had to take their shoes off.
- Imagine trying to get them through a public bathroom with their first auto-flush toilets, or automatic water faucets.
- Imagine the fun and mess they’d have with soap dispensers and light switches, neither of which were part of their repretoire of experiences.
Now imagine one, covered to the elbows in soap, slithering out of your grip and running from the bathroom and down the length of the airport, while you were trying to keep another from locking himself into the toilet, and the third is discovering that the taps will spray water across the entire bathroom if you squeeze the fat part of your palm against the faucet.
She has six kids. I have four. It was not our first rodeo. We KNOW kids and we have a masters degree apiece in managing several at once in difficult circumstances, these three tested our mettle.
I’m not even to the part of the story where the boys were licking salt off of the airport floor when their very first bag of pretzels in their life spilled out around their feet.
Did I mention that one of the boys is deaf? And the other two spoke only Ukrainian?
The revelation…
The revelation, and my moment of clarion humility, came when my friend and I found ourselves sitting next to each other, at about hour three of our layover. Each of us was holding a child in our laps, mine was having a five star meltdown, screaming his head off. Hers was simply trying to escape, and the one who was happy and mischievous and thought it was great fun to run from us as far and fast as he could we were containing between us, using our elbows as cattle gates. We looked at each other and laughed. What else could we do.
We were getting dirty looks. People were mumbling. I cannot imagine what they must have thought, but I know what we must have looked like.
We must have looked like two mothers of the absolute worst behaved children in the world. I’m sure the assumption was that we were terrible parents, abusive, perhaps, for physically containing the children. There must have been folks who couldn’t believe we’d have the audacity to subject anyone else to the terrors of these ill trained, ill prepared children. How inconsiderate and selfish could we possibly be?
The truth couldn’t have been more opposite. I’ve never prepared for a journey with my own children like I prepared for that one. I pulled out all of the stops and used every trick in my well traveled book. So did my friend… and they still escaped, screamed bloody murder and ran through that airport like absolute wild monkeys.
But there was one woman, we didn’t even have the presence of mind to get her name, who came and sat with us, offered the children paper and pens from her purse, played sign language games with the boys and laughed and smiled as they repeatedly expressed loud approval and awe at their very first sight of planes lifting off of a runway.
- She stopped long enough to hear our story.
- She suspended judgement long enough to discover the truth.
- She took a radical leap of faith and acted first out of compassion and kindness to a situation that for all the world begged censure and judgement.
You never know what is going on behind the scenes of the behavior that is offending you.
Perhaps it’s my friend, saving lives and changing the history of the world. But you’ll never have the privilege of participating in the gift she’s trying to give if your first response is to put up your walls, protect your rights and retreat into your palace of “me.”
I’ll never forget that woman. She was an angel to us that day. Beyond her sweetness to the boys and the calming presence of the temporary diversion she presented, she taught me a powerful lesson about judgement vs. compassion, demanding my rights vs. extending kindness.
So what’s my point? I don’t know. I’m not trying to make a point so much as to ask a question.
I’m just speechless at that person and their letter. As for the rest of your post, thank you for sharing and for giving some very thought provoking insight!
I second Farrah’s comments. Thank you!! The world might indeed be a better more peaceful world if we first reacted with compassion and as mentioned ‘… suspended judgement long enough to discover the truth.’
What a brilliant post, Jenn. Thank-you. I’m sharing this far and wide. We ALL need to think twice before retreating into our “Me Palaces” – I couldn’t agree more!!
When I restarted my blog at the beginning of April one of the things I wanted to start was a compassion campaign. I’m not sure when it became acceptable for people to be so…rude. I’ve had one incident on a plane with someone who rolled their eyes when he saw he was sitting next to me and my 6 month old son. As your person wrote, we have no idea what their circumstances are being on the plane, and they have no idea of mine. But to be so quick to judge is a certain sign of that person’s character. When this person rolled their eyes (and was a bit overdramatic in his other gestures) my first thought was, “Am I going to have to expose my son to these types of people who automatically profile him just because he’s a kid for the rest of his childhood?” And my second thought was, “well if you are going to assume the worst from me and my kid before he’s even had a chance to be his worst, then I’m in no mood to keep his behavior at a level acceptable to you.” But, then I realized not to worry about it because I don’t want to teach my kid those bad behaviors, I don’t want to have my kid misbehave, and measuring my kid’s behavior on someone else’s expectations (especially when that someone was so quick to judge – I’ve already upset him just be existing) isn’t worth my time.
So, when I read about people saying things like the commenter did, I honestly don’t want to care about what their situation is. When we’re cramped on a plane and the atmosphere is one not too many people like even when they’re not needing to feel refreshed the next day and even when there aren’t any children around, there’s no room for reason. If people like the commenter are near me, I’m just going to ignore them.
However, now, from the comfort of my living room, I want to talk to that person who wrote the letter. One reason to give parents the benefit of the doubt, especially if you need to be refreshed upon arrival is because it’s just not worth holding a grudge over. Even the longest flight is what, 20 hours or so? Even if your journey is going to take 2 days, is a crying baby or toddler really that disruptive that everything is ruined? There are going to be a million chances for something to go wrong (missed connections, smelly passengers, lost luggage), why take it out on this kid? I don’t want my kid to have that much of an effect on your life. (Side note: actually, your probably shouldn’t take it out on anyone, it’s the nature of travel until you can afford a private jet.)
Another thing? Taking our your frustration on the kid and the parent, it has the opposite effect of what you want it to have. Children feel the stress around them and act on it. They feed off it. It’s natural. They look to their parents to calm and if you’re shooting daggers at the parents, the parents aren’t going to be calm. So, if you are in a situation and you’re adding to the stress know that you are feeding this misbehavior. Want it to stop? Change your attitude. It works wonders.
Beautiful post. I loved the original one about kindness on the airplane and in general. I have seen the fish video before but it was worth re-watching just now. I will definitely try to make compassion and kindness our family’s knee jerk reaction. Thank you for your writing. It consistently inspires and motivates me!
Positive Intent at its very finest. You’ve described it beautifully just with another moniker, benefit of the doubt. I help to teach 4 yr olds under a Conscious Discilpline curriculum and positive intent is a foundational piece. Just loved your article!!!
Wow! Thanks everyone… I’m really appreciating your comments and your thoughts… I love the idea of a compassion project Annalyn! If we change ourselves the world will change, right? 🙂
Thanks! I know I wrote a novel, but I wanted to say one more thing. My comment was very “me, me, me” and that’s the opposite of compassion. But, I think it’s because me and most parents I know who fly with their kids really do try to keep their kids calm (usually at the sake of our own rest) for the benefit of the other passengers. Yes, I also very much do it for my kids and for my sanity, but when I’m looking at a million and one tips online about flying with kids and distracting kids on flights and handing them my ipad, I’m doing it because I know that other people on my flights want a quieter flight.
Ann… I’m laughing… precisely… NO ONE is more invested in keeping that kid chill than the mother… NO ONE. 🙂
I love you…I love your family…I love your posts….may GOD BLESS YOU – and all you put your ‘hand’ to. HUGS!