Mental Meanderings: Questions about parenthood
September 5, 2013 in Education
There are days when what I want to write about doesn’t really fit this blog.
Sometimes I publish it on one of my other blogs, sometimes I write for myself, or share it with a friend. Today, I feel compelled to go ahead and share it here, even though it’s not about travel and not strictly about education either. It’s a bit of a rant, actually.
It’s been an interesting week for me. I’ve had several interactions online and some personal conversations with people dear to me that have reminded me of what’s at stake in this messy project we call parenting.
Let me be the first to tell you that we are not a perfect family. I’m not a perfect mom. I’m doing my best, but I’m not sure it’s good enough. I’m acutely aware of my faults, as are my children. I don’t have all of the answers, not even for my own kids, never mind anyone else’s. We’ve had some great examples, some sound encouragement and lots of steady support from our tribe and that is what gets us through. We’re figuring it out, day by day, just like everyone else.
I’ve been thinking all week about a viral blog post a friend shared. Perhaps you read it too, it was the one about FYI, to teenage girls. I don’t want to link to it here because I’d really rather not drive any more traffic in her direction. Of course there are now more than a few “rebuttal” posts out there, only one of which was kind and considerate of the personhood of the original author. I don’t need to enter the fray. The poor woman has been sufficiently raked over the coals for her double standard and inadequately thought out assertions.
And then, today I was speaking with someone I love very much. She’s like a sister to me. She didn’t have the best childhood. Among many other things, her education was almost completely neglected. Her parents dropped the ball. Massively. Now she’s in her mid-twenties, finding that she’s woefully underprepared for adult life on multiple levels and stuck trying to pick up the pieces. And she’s mad. I’m mad too.
I find myself asking a lot of “What, exactly, are we doing here?” type questions this week.
What are we communicating to our daughters about their self worth and value as persons?
What are we communicating to our sons about respect for themselves and others?
Are we allowing our kids (and the kids of others) to make mistakes, to mess up, to perhaps have a huge lapse of judgement in the privacy of their own homes? What about when it happens very publicly, online?
When they do mess up (just like we all did) what is the right response as a mother, or as the mother of one of their friends?
What is the meaning of grace? How many “chances” should someone get when stumbling through the deep waters of the maturation process? Is there ever a point at which it’s appropriate to “black list” a kid?
Do I want my kids focused more on what other people think of what they see on the outside of their lives, or focused more on building up the inside of their characters? What am I teaching them to notice about others?
What does it mean to equip my kids for “the real world?” What are my responsibilities, as a parent? What are their responsibilities, as developing persons?
What am I messing up now that my kids are going to be really mad about when they are in their mid-twenties? What forest can I not see because of the trees?
Where is the line between sharing my values with the kids and giving them the freedom to develop their own?
Is it better to set the bar high, and expect more, or remove all of the fences and expectations along with them?
What is reasonable to expect from fellow parents? Where is the line between giving people space to do family life their own way, celebrating diversity, and insisting on children being raised to be competent humans: educationally, socially, emotionally, etc?
That’s a long list of questions.
There are more. This is why I haven’t written much this week. I’ve been noodling things. I don’t have anything to say, I just have lots to ask.
I do know this much:
I’m committed to raising kids who don’t care too much what you think. Hannah was called a “privileged brat” this week in the comments on her blog. She laughed. She will continue to post what she posts, including her thoughts and photos. I will expect friends and family to love and encourage her, to speak into her life when they have the opportunity and to be patient with her through the growing pains. She might not always get it right. She’s allowed to mess up. We will always give second chances… and third, and fourth, to infinity, chances.
I’m raising my boys in the real world. They are going to see naked people. Next issue. They are going to see pictures of girls sticking out duck lips and being ridiculous, perhaps even girls that we know and are a bit surprised by. This will be an opportunity for them to show love, to gloss over people’s “whoops” moments, and to remember that no girl is a two dimensional photo posted on Facebook, she’s a three dimensional person and we’ll talk about that. I’m raising them to be men. I expect them to deal with the real world, not a carefully sanitized version that I, as their mother, might be more comfortable with. I expect them to sink and swim, because we all make mistakes before we figure it out.
I will never give up on my kids or any of their friends. I expect bumps in the road. I am prepared for indiscretions on social media or long distance chats. We’ll walk everyone through it, talk it out, work towards an understanding of socially appropriate and productive behavior and grow right on through. No need to slam people, or black list them. No need to shame other parents. No need to act like being a completely normal, hot blooded teen is the end of the world. Just a need to learn to channel it, that’s all. We’ve all been there. We walked through hell and back with a teenager we loved (and his parents) about ten years ago, as a result of the social media of the time. It was terrible. The worst things I could imagine for him, and for his family. He’s pushing 30 now, and fantastic. His relationship with his parents is wonderful. Life happens. Grace and love are necessary. Even in the hard things… especially in the hard things.
My kids get to fail, but I’m always going to expect them to succeed. I’ve thought about it a lot (not just this week!) and I’m going to be that Mom who sets the bar high and expects the kids to stand on their tippie toes and then jump to catch it. I’ll expect them to swing hard and build their own momentum and then I’ll expect them to fly up and grab the next bar, and the next, and the next. The dreams they follow should be their own, not mine. They are free to change course as many times as they want, but we will insist on forward motion: find your passion, pursue it passionately, fall down, get up, try again, go, go, GO! I’m a believer in hard work, determination, follow through, developing deep self discipline, and doing hard things… this month it’s pre-algebra and semi-colon placement on one end of the kid spectrum, balancing first jobs and launch plans on the other.
So how’s that for off topic mental meanderings this week?
I’d be very interested to know your thoughts, on the blog post, if you read it. On the questions I’m noodling. I’m particularly interested in hearing from those of you in your twenties about what your parents got right. I’d also love to hear from parents of adult children, as your “been there, done that,” wisdom is valuable to those of us in the trenches.
Please: Share.
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Hello on the subject of the internet i feel
The young are venturing into a new world and for some of us older people, running so fast we struggle to keep up 🙂 Though I try, I am lucky I have young kids and plenty of time to learn before their teenagers!
I do worry that the stuff kids say and do online now will effect them so much more now and also later on in life, when I was growing up the problems we had to face stayed with friends and family, it wasn’t spread all over the web, and we wasn’t judged by strangers which can be hurtful and scary for some.
A prime example …..There was a article early this year a young 16 yr old girl had got a very good job as first young commissioner for the British police, but lost it, because people found out she had said some racist remarks to friends and other stuff, on line some two years age most properly just stuff talked about between friends but everyone could read it so this effected her later on…
I try to teach that the Internet though wonderful is a whole new world full of dangers as well as wonders. where you have to be as carfull venturing as you do when you step out the front door. Giving as much help and guidance as I can.
For me its not just parenting that makes me think about the things you have mentioned but also the fact that I educate my kids at home this also raises lots of worries in me as to how I bring up my kids, and to top that the fact that I am also planing long term travels with all those extra worries to contend with what joy lol…..lucky I’m. A relaxed person and don’t let them effect me for long.
.my anxieties are just something I have to work through and hope as others we are doing ok, and my kids will benefit from the life and love we give them.
An enjoyable article thankyou.
I have three wonderful children and I am totally proud of each of them. I don’t know how this happened with two inept parents- not only did we not know what we were doing, we didn’t agree on what to do. But one thing that was really important to me when they were growing up- make sure I got to know their friends and their friends parents. I tried to visit their classroom each year so I had a taste of what their day was like, and got to know the adults who had influence over them. By knowing those who had influence in their lives, we could have conversation- especially about what was appropriate behavior. I tried to teach my children early on how to make decisions, and a good dose of common sense. I know social media adds another layer, but we need to learn how best to use it. I still treasure getting to know my children’s friends- love you Jenn.
Granwa
I loved reading this post and find that it is not the huge departure that you are feeling it is….because education takes parenting and so does traveling! I have been pondering very similar, if not exact, questions this month as we begin the pre-launch stage of our oldest who just entered 11th grade. I actually sat our two oldest boys down yesterday and had a conversation with them about the qualities their dad and I wanted them to learn and how the internet is getting in the way of this. Of course they objected. And I proudly replied with something I remember my parents saying to me….. “As long as you are in our house, we get to set the rules and when you become a parent then you can set them for your kids.” Now, we did not have internet when I was a kid, but I am sure we had something that got in the way…like the TV or the excessive telephone calls, etc. We will draw up a contract over the weekend with all the rules and I will post it in the house so that there are no misunderstandings or misinterpretations…which teenagers are masters at using as a weapon or weak spot to turn it around to be our fault and not theirs…sound familiar? This will hopefully set the tone for their two younger siblings….who are also on the threshold of learning about the internet and it’s pitfalls, etc., too. I bring all this up because we still don’t know if we are doing the right thing as we are doing it. But, what we ARE doing is being involved. Being caring, loving parents who are paying attention. The viral blog post you are referring to, which I also read, is a good example of parents not paying attention, not being present in their child’s life. If, for a very simple example, parents made it a requirement to be “friends” with their kids on FB, then they would see the duck faces and sexy poses they are posting and would be able to guide them thru the implications of their actions (and also help them delete bad judgment calls!). We as parents cannot be expected to be perfect or to even get it right, but we should be held accountable for at the very least being involved….because that will have the best, most positive impression on our kids….mom and dad were there for me (even if at times they wished we weren’t!). Excellent, thought provoking post. Thanks for going outside your box….you should do it more often!
We all share this in common; we are sinners in a broken world. It doesn’t matter whether you are rich or poor, brilliant or average, public school or home school, everyone is subjected to it. The only privilege is to be found in Christ, His grace. That grace should call us to love in a mighty way and to love is to forgive. Parents forgiving children, children forgiving parents.
Parenting is so hard. I became a parent, but I didn’t learn it all the first day a child was born. I am not the perfect parent, and I am still learning. This hit home for me recently when I realized that even with all that instruction, the best lessons, the lessons that were life-changing, and life directing for me, were the hard ones. I was stubborn and learned some very hard lessons. My husband wasn’t so stubborn, and listened to the wisdom of his parents and avoided a lot of grief. Both of us came to the same place, just different paths to get there.
A dear sweet mother, a little older and wiser than me shared her wisdom on just this subject, just last night, because I have been doing the same thing, questioning my parenting skills and how to transition as my children get older and leave our home. She asked if I had ever watched a little bird when it was just learning to fly? It flaps its wings, takes a nose dive out of the nest and barely recovers enough to keep from crashing, flopping to a landing somewhere below. Mama bird is usually there, chirping and darting back and forth, watching protectively at a distance. After several cringing re-tries, the little bird flies off from the nest out into the world. We can’t keep them in the nest, they have to learn to fly.
I think back on the process of teaching my children to write. We could show them a thousand times, the proper technique, but for them to be able to write themselves, they have to take a pencil in hand. By comparison, their first attempts to make letters is out of proportion, out of line, and often the wrong direction. Some children get it easier, others really struggle. They get frustrated, shed tears, get angry but we encourage them to pick up the pencil and keep trying. Eventually they develop good handwriting skills. It is unrealistic to think that anything we need to learn in life comes any easier.
God explained to us that he was the potter and we are the clay. Do you remember what your first clay pot looked like? Mine was bumpy and uneven and would have cracked in the heat of the kiln. It was very apparent I needed a second chance, to squish it and try again. Someone had to show me how to use the tools and then be patient with my progress for me to turn that lump of clay into a beautiful pot with a purpose. Even then, for it to be used, it needed a glaze to seal it and the tremendous heat of the kiln to finish it. As parents we are like the potter, teaching a pupil how to make a pot by example. At some point you have to give them their own clay.
As our children learn how to shape their clay, we know there will come a day when it is ready for the fire of the kiln. That is the only way that pot will become strong. This is how we learn, it is how we find purpose. It is the natural process by which God takes a lump of humanity and turns it into a beautiful soul. It takes the fulness of the lifetime each of us are given.
I am blessed with four children to bring up in the Lord, and I lost two children in the womb. While I didn’t have much time with them, they shaped me, and others who knew of them. In that short time, they fulfilled a tremendous purpose God intended in them. They taught me about cherishing life and the moments we have with loved ones. They also taught me how precious it is to have a relationship with God. Because of that relationship, I will get to hug those children some day. I can’t express in words how painful that lesson was, but I realized the worth of it, and why God allowed me to go through it. I gained far, far more than I lost in the pain of that experience.
I allowed a bird to nest over our door one spring. They were messy, bits of nest and droppings on my porch, but so worth getting to see the miracle that is life. One by one the babies flew away but there was a reward coming that I didn’t expect. Every spring the hatchlings from the previous spring, who flew far away for the winter, come back to visit. It is not unusual to have 4 families of birds hatch over the summer in the same nest. They consider my door a safe haven. Therein, is my transition. I pray I will be a safe haven, the place where our children will want to come back, a place of advice and shelter, a place to share the joys and hard lessons of life.
I am reminded of this as we all ponder how good of a job we are doing as parents and reflect on the struggles of our children will no doubt face: Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Keep that front and center and God will help us smooth out the lines and wrinkles of our our own pots and our children’s as they take shape. He promises us to be with us through the fire of the kiln, every blessed, painful, joyful moment of it.
I love that you can ask your big questions out loud. I need to do that too. In fact, I think most people need to do that in order to work through those big questions and get to a place that allows for “clarity” (whatever that means at any given moment). It pains me when I hear adults talk about a “bad kid” or “writing off so and so”. Of all of us humans, the ones who deserve the most second (and third and fourth…..) chances to “get it right” are those of us who are newest to the universe. The reason I enjoy reading your thoughts on parenting and young people is because you view those young people as humans- individually wonderful and simultaneously fallible. Thank you for sharing your big questions, I have them too 🙂
I did not read the post you are talking about and briefly thought about trying to find it, but decided not to. I currently have a 3 & 6 yr old and we realize that they are going to need direction on things that we are just learning ourselves. Never before have parents had to teach FB or twitter for that matter.
Now, this doesn’t mean that as parents we don’t have to do it, because we don’t understand it….but it is an interesting challenge. Today there is FB but what about when our son is 15…what will it be. What will the hardship be? How will we deal with it?
I think a lot about grace and how I give it to my children. I think there are two types of grace. Type 1 is the kind that we give when someone makes a mistake. Type 2 is when someone is just not up to the challenge yet. I believe in this because I too push my kids hard and want them to be self-sufficient thinkers – period!
However some days they just can’t do it. I have noticed this, some days we all need a day in bed to revamp or a swim to reconnect. I have to give them grace to do that. This is a fine line, because if you give too much grace in this aspect I believe you can have lazy children and honestly I really don’t want lazy kids. I deal with walking this line and of course giving grace to mistakes. If I want grace then I have to give it.
I love this comment….I have told several kids who have “messed up” that it is how you handle yourself afterwards that will be the defining moment, not the moment itself…… and it is up to us as parents to guide them gracefully thru those tough moments so they can learn and grow from them and maintain dignity.
1. I had horrible parents and I turned out very well. My rothers on the other hand didn’t. I think a good part comes from who you are as a person. My husbands sisters also didn’t turn out well, but my husband is great. So, I don’t know.
2. I absolutely believe this is about education. Those kids I saw grow up sheltered had a hard time of it because they didn’t know much about the world. I figure its my job as a mom to teach my children about the world the live in, hopefully before they mess up big enough to really count. All the little mistakes, those are just growing up. And we are all human.
I personally set the bar high (and have been lectured about it from others :(. ). But I also realize they are their own people and they need to come at things how they do, which is different for each of them. It’s my job to say “where do you want to go?” And then show them the way to get there, helping if I can.
The things I am aiming to instill are things like integrity, charity, self control, a good work ethic, and the ability to treat others with love regardless of their mood. To learn to be content in whatever situation they find themselves in, without settling and with continuing to pursue their dreams.
THIS is the “real” education. Everything else comes from those things.
Hi Jen: After reading your post I had this mental image of these two muddy hands cupped around a lump of clay. At times the hands are patient and slow, prodding the clay into form. At other times they are hurried, rushed and frantic. The clay lump is spinning– sometimes slow and sometimes fast and the hands can barely keep up to it’s emerging form. And sometimes there is strength in those hands as though it is only them that is willing the clay to form. It is both chaotic and unpredictable and than rhythmic and methodical. But over time, there is form –yes, a little crooked here and a little uneven there. Sometimes there is a tendency in those hands to keep working that little piece of clay until it is just right– and then there is pause. The hands are creased with mud, perhaps a little tired, but they are cupping a little clay pot. After years of splatter, woopsies, and do-overs they hold it with both tenderness and fascination. The little pot never sits up and away on a mantle and nor does it remain on the wheel — just somewhere in between.
Kerri… I love that… thanks for painting such a lovely picture!