The day Ezra was born, Tony looked up from his cherubic little face and sighed, “I got the short end of the public bathroom stick.”
Three to one, he definitely did.
Some of my favourite stories over the years have come from his attempts to wrangle the bathroom rodeo of the little men while Hannah and I blissfully bathe without drama. It’s mean spirited of me to enjoy it so much, but I just can’t help it.
There might be nothing funnier than listening to The Man helping the boys bathe without flooding the camper bathroom.
Here are excerpts:
The Man: (dead pan) “I’m looking forward to this…”
Ez: “You are?” (mystified)
The Man: “Oh yeah, this is going to be a joy.”
Ez: “It is?! Why??”
The Man: “Because YOU are a joy.”
Ez: (not sensing the sarcasm that’s making everyone else snicker… beaming) “I am??!!”
The Man: “WHAT? Then how DO you wash your face?… No, no, NO! YOU MUST USE SOAP! You realize probably half of your freckles are going to wash off!!”
Ez: Giggling hysterically
The Man: “No, GABE needs to learn to shower fast, YOU need to learn to shower THOROUGHLY.”
Ez: “Did you find my undies Dad?”
The Man: (rifling through Ezra’s box) “Gimme a minute! I’m tryin’!”
Ez: “Nevermind! I can do without!!”
The Man: “NO YOU CANNOT DO WITHOUT!! You will wear clean undies! Next time take your clothes with you like a reasonable human being!”
And it continues…. Gabe’s in… Ez returns seeking TP (which is in with Gabe)
The Man: “KNOCK!! Don’t you understand the word knock??!” (He then reaches in on Ez’s behalf to get the TP)
“Geez boy, you STINK, it smells like poo in there!”
Gabe: “Hehe… I farted!”
The Man: “When I find out who stuffed toilet paper in the sink drain, heads will ROLL!”
The Man: “You’re not taking a shower with your pants on!! Are you listening?” (as an aside to the Universe:) “Elisha has the focus of Mr. Magoo!”
The Man: “This is shampoo, it is for….??? WRONG!! Shampoo is for…???”
The Man: “Right! Then face, with soap and a scrubbie, this seemed a foreign concept to Ez, so I’m mentioning it to you! If it were me, I’d start at the top and work my way down, start with the hair…”
Elisha: snickers. Does not mention the lack of hair.
The Man: “Okay, you’re ready. Will I have to readress all of these steps with you next time we camper shower?? Okay. Good. Now go.”
Then… the water tank runs dry before Elisha is done with his shower…
Meanwhile, Hannah is standing outside the camper in the gravel parking lot fiddling to the rising moon.
My Dad once commented that she has a knack for fiddling as the Titanic is sinking. That analysis returns to me on evenings such as this.
Adding to the humor is the arrival of a music teacher from across the street and her eager, bright-eyed, blonde braided student, guitar in hand. Of course they must play together, and we all enjoy listening. Gabe slinks out after his shower with wet hair and half of his 1950’s grandpa style pajamas on. Elisha emerges with dishpan hands upon hearing that said flaxen-haired beauty with the voice of an angel is also twelve.
The boys are thanking their lucky stars that they’re at least clean and most of the performance is over before the concert starts.
The camper is getting quiet.
The Man has gone back to reading 2001, they’re at the part where Dave has just come out of his practice sleep on earth and the character of Hal, the computer, is being introduced. My abs hurt from laughing so hard and I’m thoroughly enjoying myself. Hannah, it should be noted, showered without supervision and the bathroom did not resemble or smell like the hold of a fishing vessel tossed about in a storm when she was finished. The same cannot be said for its condition post boy showers.
I can’t make this stuff up, folks.